Thursday, December 10, 2015

A Message From the Head Office of the Illuminati

We're sorry.

There, we said it, are you happy now? Yes, it was all a giant conspiracy paid for with galactic credits we earned by selling human kidneys taken from everyone.

At least we left no scars when we removed them from you during your twenty first birthday, using a secret technology that allows all elite members of the Illuminati survive forever. We cannot share this technology, the reptilian overlords will not allow it.

The moon landing was faked, but no, we did jot film it underwater, idiots. We used advance computer technology given to us by the Grays, it's all CGI, there is no moon, that's just a huge balloon tied to the Google car.

Bigfoot is actually Frank, our favorite intern. He's actually a Wookie, but they are from Mars, not sure where Kashyyyk came from, sounds like the sound that the loch ness monster made when we shot him in 1802.

The internet you're using is monitored by four agents, we have everything you ever typed or said stored in massive servers on Orion 5. We sell this to the droids of Voltair G5, who then beam advertisements into your head.

These droids gave us the brilliant idea to create evolution, if Scientology had jot stolen Dr. Hubbard from us we would have used his story instead. Ironically, we also wrote the bible, both evolution and the bible were to distract you from the only being who can save you.

This god being won't save you if I tell you who he is, so we were forced to create these massive conspiracies to test you for him. Sadly, you all failed and we're going to reset the entire planet in about two weeks.

Don't worry, you'll only suffer from the horrible lava that will cover the planet for a few moments, enjoy your last weeks of existence.


If all of that sounds crazy to you, then why do you believe the bible, quran, or torah?

No comments:

Post a Comment